Some of you may have seen errant posts on my Facebook or random posts elsewhere (including an infamous YouTube video sent to me while I was in Japan) in regards to my friend Billy and the breakfast cereal, ‘Oatmeal Squares’. You probably don’t understand. That’s okay. I’m going to type it all out for you and you STILL won’t understand. At least this way I have a resource I can update and point people to. An Oatmeal Squares wiki, if you will.
This all started back in 2009 when my friend Billy and I were newly acquainted and were both trying to get to know one another. I am a big fan of breakfast cereal and posed the question, “I say, good sir, among the vast array of choice, which breakfast cereal do you prefer?” Now, I grew up around the grocery industry and I have a long history of product knowledge. I was prepared for a great number of cereals, both available and discontinued, yet his answer astounded me. “Oatmeal Squares,” he replied nonchalantly. I blinked. Oatmeal Squares? Really? Out of all of the tasty cereals on the market, he goes with the OLD MAN cereal? Perhaps he didn’t understand the question. When I asked again and received the same reply, I knew that something was wrong.
I pondered this for a few minutes. Was there some redeeming quality in this part of a balanced breakfast that I was overlooking? Just because it has the word ‘OATMEAL’ in it doesn’t mean that it’s some lacquered attempt for old people to look cool among the breakfast crowd. But, alas…it is. I could not accept this. I called Billy on his love for a clearly inferior product, but he would not relent. What was a simple conversation between friends turned into a quest for truth and justice. If I was truly a friend, I would not allow this man to continue this delusion.
I started taking every opportunity I could to bring Oatmeal Squares into conversation. Too tired to come out for a drink? Those Oatmeal Squares are aging you prematurely. Is the queso too hot? Well, your poor choice of breakfast cereal has obviously blanded your taste buds Cough got you down? That’s because Oatmeal Squares rot your soul. You know, that kind of thing. Soon, though, it was time for me to leave the country. So I did. I thought the battle was done. But it was not to be.
Many months later, in Japan, I receive a message. It’s from Billy. I am overjoyed to hear from my friend, but what awaits me is heartache and misery. He went out and bought a burger from one of my favorite local establishment and relished in a mockery presentation that ended up with the burger in the trash and his sinister enjoyment of Oatmeal Squares.
This doesn’t cover all of the other things we’ve subjected one another to, but the YouTube Video is just the latest volley in a war of words and images. It won’t be the last, either.
[Update: Among other things, since this posting I got an autograph from Summer Glau of Firefly fame and had her write, ‘Oatmeal Squares are awful’ and gave it to Billy as a gift.]