Malaise: noun – a vague or unfocused feeling of mental uneasiness, lethargy, or discomfort.
You know, I’m starting to wonder if this cold and cloudy weather has something to do with my mood. I’ve never been one of those ‘aw, shucks’ kind of cloudy day guy; in fact, I love rain and thunderstorms. But I’m so tired of the cold. It’s supposed to warm up a bit this week and I cannot articulate how pleasing that is to me.
I went out last night. One of my best friends sent me a text letting me know he was playing a local music show and I replied with my usual, “I may show up” non-committal response. I didn’t want to go anywhere. I just wanted to stay in my house and wander aimlessly. But, no, that’s not right. That’s depressing. I didn’t want to do that either. What DID I want to do? I then realized I didn’t want to be ANYWHERE. This realization led me to the decision that I’d rather be around friends than just myself, and went to the show. It was a local battle of the bands competition with several poor acts and a few decent ones. I spent most of the time standing around on my own, as concerts lend themselves to. I was beginning to think I’d made the wrong decision.
However, once the last band wrapped, a plan formed to grab a bite to eat with my friends. I happily drove us to a local eatery and enjoyed an exceedingly normal late night meal, talking about random stuff and experiencing life as it used to be. Afterwards, I thanked them for their time and returned home. I felt better.
I awoke this morning to the familiar feeling of unease and general lethargy. I felt the return of unfounded paranoia into my thinking and lack of satisfaction out of the state of things; I made another decision. I’m seeing a grief counselor on Monday morning. I have no frame of reference to this; maybe I’m doing well, maybe I’m not. A friend at work lost their spouse last year and spoke very highly of their experience with my workplace’s employee assistance program. I am thankful to have it, and am looking forward to my first appointment.