Tomorrow morning, I drive to Pawhuska and appear before a judge. Dad’s estate gets finalized, and the legal side of my father’s passing will be completed. All his bills will be paid, and I will be free to move on from the paperwork, signatures, haggling with creditors, and stresses of fairly splitting what’s left between me and my brother.
I got the oil changed in the Mustang last week. One of the guys at Jiffy Lube asked some questions about the car’s history and I mentioned that I wasn’t sure, as it belonged to my father and he passed in January. The guy said, “Oh, that just happened. I’m sorry to hear that.”
What do you mean, it just happened? Tomorrow marks three months since Dad was found. It feels like an eternity. It’s like he’s been gone for years. It’s something I feel like I’ve always lived with. Some mornings I wake up and just sit, not thinking about anything specific except how little I want to interact with the outside world. I want to run away to some exotic place where I can focus on new experiences and get to know new people so I don’t have to dwell on the old familiar aches.
I’m a very empathetic person. I consider it one of my greatest traits. In the last three months, I’ve felt that reservoir deplete and there are times when I don’t feel anything for others. It’s not a callous thing; it’s like going to take a drink from a glass that is empty. I don’t break down very much any more, but I feel so emotionally lethargic. I’m dating an awesome girl, and we have great times together, yet there are times I just shut off. I’m happy when Mom or my brother calls me, but I don’t always want to see them, though my heart aches for their company more now that I’ve been touched by absence. As I’ve mentioned before, I feel like I live in a world of contradiction.
At least tomorrow will bring some closure. I can stop pouring energy into that aspect of the long goodbye and maybe save some of it up again. Dad’s birthday is on May 3rd, Lord knows I’m going to need it then.