Tomorrow morning, I drive to Pawhuska and appear before a judge.  Dad’s estate gets finalized, and the legal side of my father’s passing will be completed.  All his bills will be paid, and I will be free to move on from the paperwork, signatures, haggling with creditors, and stresses of fairly splitting what’s left between me and my brother.

I got the oil changed in the Mustang last week.  One of the guys at Jiffy Lube asked some questions about the car’s history and I mentioned that I wasn’t sure, as it belonged to my father and he passed in January.  The guy said, “Oh, that just happened.  I’m sorry to hear that.”

What do you mean, it just happened?  Tomorrow marks three months since Dad was found.  It feels like an eternity.  It’s like he’s been gone for years.  It’s something I feel like I’ve always lived with.  Some mornings I wake up and just sit, not thinking about anything specific except how little I want to interact with the outside world.  I want to run away to some exotic place where I can focus on new experiences and get to know new people so I don’t have to dwell on the old familiar aches.

I’m a very empathetic person.  I consider it one of my greatest traits.  In the last three months, I’ve felt that reservoir deplete and there are times when I don’t feel anything for others.  It’s not a callous thing; it’s like going to take a drink from a glass that is empty.  I don’t break down very much any more, but I feel so emotionally lethargic.  I’m dating an awesome girl, and we have great times together, yet there are times I just shut off.  I’m happy when Mom or my brother calls me, but I don’t always want to see them, though my heart aches for their company more now that I’ve been touched by absence.  As I’ve mentioned before, I feel like I live in a world of contradiction.

At least tomorrow will bring some closure.  I can stop pouring energy into that aspect of the long goodbye and maybe save some of it up again.  Dad’s birthday is on May 3rd, Lord knows I’m going to need it then.

About rhysfunk

Rhys Martin was born in Tulsa, Oklahoma in 1981. In 2009, he sold everything he owned and left the country, living out of a backpack for ten months. He discovered a passion for photography while traveling throughout Southeast Asia and Europe. After returning home, he looked at his home town and Oklahoma heritage with fresh eyes. When he began to explore his home state, Rhys turned his attention to historic Route 66. As he became familiar with the iconic highway, he began to truly appreciate Oklahoma’s place along the Mother Road. He has traveled all 2,400 miles of Route 66, from Chicago to Los Angeles. He has also driven many miles on rural Oklahoma highways to explore the fading Main Streets of our small towns. Rhys has a desire to find and share the unique qualities of the Sooner State with the rest of the world. Cloudless Lens Photography has been featured in several publications including This Land, Route 66 Magazine, Nimrod Journal, Inbound Asia Magazine, The Oklahoman, and the Tulsa World. In 2018 he published his first book, Lost Restaurants of Tulsa. Rhys loves to connect with people and share his experiences; ask him about enjoyable day trips from Tulsa, locations along Route 66, and good diners or burger joints along the way.
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