Went back to work today.  It was mostly good to get my mind on something else for a little bit.  I had several people come up to me throughout the day and offer their support.  It means the world to me.  I just wish I knew what I needed.

I felt like a ghost, haunting my old life.  I was in familiar places doing familiar things.  I was interacting with people in the same way I did before (for the most part).  I, however, was in an entirely different place mentally.  I have a photo on my desk of the four of us at Grandma’s service.  I’d look over, feel the familiar warmth of love and family, but then remember one is gone.  It’s like starting a car, it almost turns over, then doesn’t.  Oh.  Right.  That thing happened.  Last week.  Was it that long ago?  Didn’t I just get that call a few minutes ago?  My world seems to be fighting against itself.

I was told by a dear friend that life will never be normal again.  In time, I’ll just have a new definition of normal.  I don’t know how long it’ll be before this bubble that separates me from the rest of my life will go away.  I hope it’s soon.  I smile and laugh in the normal way.  I make jokes, chat about trivial things, do my job.  But the in-between times…I’m not a depressed, useless husk…but I don’t idle nearly as well as I used to.  I just sigh and think, almost nonchalantly, ‘Gee, I sure miss my Dad.’  I’m hoping I’ll at least stabilize somewhat after the funeral on Thursday.

Grandma Gail had this habit when she was on the phone.  While we were talking, she’d put in this filler phrase.  Sometimes it’d be appropriate, sometimes not.  “Well…I don’t know…”  in kind of a ‘what can you do?’ type of usage.  I noticed that Dad had started using that same phrase throughout our conversations.  Not nearly as much, but it was still there.  Same tone, same inflection, same filler placement.

Well…I don’t know either.

About rhysfunk

Rhys Martin was born in Tulsa, Oklahoma in 1981. In 2009, he sold everything he owned and left the country, living out of a backpack for ten months. He discovered a passion for photography while traveling throughout Southeast Asia and Europe. After returning home, he looked at his home town and Oklahoma heritage with fresh eyes. When he began to explore his home state, Rhys turned his attention to historic Route 66. As he became familiar with the iconic highway, he began to truly appreciate Oklahoma’s place along the Mother Road. He has traveled all 2,400 miles of Route 66, from Chicago to Los Angeles. He has also driven many miles on rural Oklahoma highways to explore the fading Main Streets of our small towns. Rhys has a desire to find and share the unique qualities of the Sooner State with the rest of the world. Cloudless Lens Photography has been featured in several publications including This Land, Route 66 Magazine, Nimrod Journal, Inbound Asia Magazine, The Oklahoman, and the Tulsa World. In 2018 he published his first book, Lost Restaurants of Tulsa. Rhys loves to connect with people and share his experiences; ask him about enjoyable day trips from Tulsa, locations along Route 66, and good diners or burger joints along the way.
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