It’s going to be October soon. Hard to believe the year is this far along already. The weather has cooled and our highs are in the mid-to-low eighties most days. We’ve had some rain. Pretty soon the leaves will start to turn and summer will be a distant memory.
I’ve had a lot of really ‘up’ days lately. I’ve been in good spirits and smiled even more than usual. There are several reasons behind that, but I won’t delve into those here. It’s the still moments that I want to talk about. My phone stops alerting me, the porch light is out, and the house is silent. My mind isn’t on tomorrow, or an hour from now. It’s right here with me. I want to talk, so I look at the keyboard. I wonder what I will have to say as my fingers seek out the letters. Perhaps unsurprisingly, I start to think about Dad. This may be related to the fact that I got unexpectedly sad in the kitchen a few minutes ago.
It feels like he’s always been gone. Seeing the words typed makes my eyes water. I still check his email once a week or so and unsubscribe from any junk mail he happens to still get, clear Facebook notifications for the account I created for him. I haven’t posted on his wall in a while, even though I have thought about him. His contact is still in my phone. I have pictures of him in various places. But they have dust on them now. It’s a strange mixture of acceptance and fresh pain. I remember writing that it felt like he was just here. They say that time heals all wounds; I think it heals some, and others just morph into different wounds.
I’ve had a few windfalls as of late. I found a cache of webchats that Google saved from when I was traveling the world. Mom found a collection of pictures that I didn’t know still existed. My conversations about him are happy, and my memories of him are fond. I know he would be proud of the successes I’ve had at work this year. Still, like a spouse saying ‘I love you’ … it’s still good to hear it.
My religious views have shifted since coming home. Where once a conservative non-denominational Christian stood, now stands an agnostic. I really don’t feel like I’ll see him again. While that’s not a new realization for me, it’s something I’ve only recently really looked inward at.
Eh, I dunno. This post is kind’ve directionless. I had some allergy meds earlier and I’m a bit spacey. I think it’s tremendously sad to sit and cry in the silent dark without letting someone know about it. So, here it is, world. I’ll be okay. Tomorrow is a new day.