It’s been eight months and 25 days. It’s not like this is new.
Why is it when I tucked myself into bed tonight, expecting sleep and having not much else on my mind, that my thoughts turn to my father, and before I know it I’m crying out to him, wishing he were here.
I haven’t cried in a while. I suppose you could say it was time. But it happened strangely. Last night, my brother sent me a text trying to remember the name of a song. After a little back and forth, I helped him remember ‘Gimme Some Lovin’ by Steve Winwood, one of Dad’s favorites and one that I picked for his service. I’m not sure why Tyler was trying to remember the song. It wasn’t any big deal. I slept fine afterwards.
Tonight, when I laid down, I thought of that song. I thought of Dad’s picture up front in the church next to the urn. I thought of last Christmas and my last time with him. I’d say the emotions came flooding back, but that’s not accurate in my mind; when I think of that phrase, I think of a sudden, overwhelming force. It was actually much more like a real flood, where the water is low and slowly rises, it just keeps rising. I wasn’t suddenly in tears or anything, but one thing added to another added to another and suddenly I was just a mess.
It’s nights like tonight that the silence of this house really gets to me. Not that I’d know what to say, should a warm body be lying next to me. Probably the same things, over and over again. I might also not emote as much, afraid to disturb my partner. Who knows? Even though I have felt a ton of support from my friends and family, part of me still feels very alone. I don’t know what could change that.
I’m not really writing with purpose tonight. No story or anecdote, no great learning. Just writing. I leave for Blizzcon in a week; a welcome vacation. It’s been more stressful at work lately with my project getting close to launch (Customer Service Week). I feel as good as I probably can about it; perhaps that additional workload is wearing me thin where these emotions can easily surface.
It’s nights like tonight I look out my window at the moon and wonder. I speak to the night air, hoping it is heard.