Still

It’s been eight months and 25 days.  It’s not like this is new.

Why is it when I tucked myself into bed tonight, expecting sleep and having not much else on my mind, that my thoughts turn to my father, and before I know it I’m crying out to him, wishing he were here.

I haven’t cried in a while.  I suppose you could say it was time.  But it happened strangely.  Last night, my brother sent me a text trying to remember the name of a song.  After a little back and forth, I helped him remember ‘Gimme Some Lovin’ by Steve Winwood, one of Dad’s favorites and one that I picked for his service.  I’m not sure why Tyler was trying to remember the song.  It wasn’t any big deal.  I slept fine afterwards.

Tonight, when I laid down, I thought of that song.  I thought of Dad’s picture up front in the church next to the urn.  I thought of last Christmas and my last time with him.  I’d say the emotions came flooding back, but that’s not accurate in my mind; when I think of that phrase, I think of a sudden, overwhelming force.  It was actually much more like a real flood, where the water is low and slowly rises, it just keeps rising.  I wasn’t suddenly in tears or anything, but one thing added to another added to another and suddenly I was just a mess.

It’s nights like tonight that the silence of this house really gets to me.  Not that I’d know what to say, should a warm body be lying next to me.  Probably the same things, over and over again.  I might also not emote as much, afraid to disturb my partner.  Who knows?  Even though I have felt a ton of support from my friends and family, part of me still feels very alone.  I don’t know what could change that.

I’m not really writing with purpose tonight.  No story or anecdote, no great learning.  Just writing.  I leave for Blizzcon in a week; a welcome vacation.  It’s been more stressful at work lately with my project getting close to launch (Customer Service Week).  I feel as good as I probably can about it; perhaps that additional workload is wearing me thin where these emotions can easily surface.

It’s nights like tonight I look out my window at the moon and wonder.  I speak to the night air, hoping it is heard.

About rhysfunk

Rhys Martin was born in Tulsa, Oklahoma in 1981. In 2009, he sold everything he owned and left the country, living out of a backpack for ten months. He discovered a passion for photography while traveling throughout Southeast Asia and Europe. After returning home, he looked at his home town and Oklahoma heritage with fresh eyes. When he began to explore his home state, Rhys turned his attention to historic Route 66. As he became familiar with the iconic highway, he began to truly appreciate Oklahoma’s place along the Mother Road. He has traveled all 2,400 miles of Route 66, from Chicago to Los Angeles. He has also driven many miles on rural Oklahoma highways to explore the fading Main Streets of our small towns. Rhys has a desire to find and share the unique qualities of the Sooner State with the rest of the world. Cloudless Lens Photography has been featured in several publications including This Land, Route 66 Magazine, Nimrod Journal, Inbound Asia Magazine, The Oklahoman, and the Tulsa World. Rhys loves to connect with people and share his experiences; ask him about enjoyable day trips from Tulsa, locations along Route 66, and good diners or burger joints along the way.
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