It’s difficult for me to accept help.
When Dad died, I had an outpouring of sympathy and offers for assistance, but I don’t recall taking anyone up on it. I remember a few phone calls, people asking how I was doing. Fine. I’m always fine. In the quiet moments of the night, when I let that wall down, I was inconsolable. The depths of my sorrow were so severe I didn’t know how I would ever get past them. But who do you call at 3:00 in the morning? All I had was an empty house to hear me, so I figured writing this blog would be a good outlet; and it was. As the one year anniversary approaches, I can feel my emotions seeking that same stone wall I built last year. I don’t want to be around anyone. I just want to go home and not think about it.
I don’t want anybody to see me hurting.
But it’s also what I want most.
It’s a strange, crazy dichotomy. I feel like it’s selfish to reach out when all that I want is a shoulder to cry on or someone to hear my sorrows. Even now, as I’m not doing as fine as I have been, when people ask I don’t tell them. Because then they’ll ask more, and then I’ll have to TELL more, and the problem just gets worse. So I put on a happy face. The reclusive beast stays in the shadows. After all, it’s been a year. I’m sure all of my friends have read my blogs or heard me talk about these emotions; why would they want to sit through them again? That’s when I turn into a pest, ‘that guy’ that brings everyone down. At least, that’s what the beast tells me.
I’m very much a talker. I prefer conversation in a coffee house than a night out at a bar, dancing or what-have-you. I like to communicate and share with others. It’s damned unfair that I had become recently single when everything fell apart; I wanted someone I did feel like I could share with, unselfishly, and just look to for support. For some reason, I didn’t look to my friends for that. I just did without. People still asked, and I still told them I was okay. I even made a list of names of the friends that expressly asked me to reach out to them if/when I wanted to talk. I never utilized that list. My desire for connection was trumped by my desire to burrow and share through electronic means.
I don’t feel like I am ‘crying out for help’ or that I desperately need someone to talk to. I recognize I’m conflicted. In ten days, I have a monumental anniversary to get through and I don’t know if I want to be surrounded by friends or isolated. I have strong feelings both ways. I just don’t know.