It’s difficult for me to accept help.

When Dad died, I had an outpouring of sympathy and offers for assistance, but I don’t recall taking anyone up on it.  I remember a few phone calls, people asking how I was doing.  Fine. I’m always fine.  In the quiet moments of the night, when I let that wall down, I was inconsolable.  The depths of my sorrow were so severe I didn’t know how I would ever get past them.  But who do you call at 3:00 in the morning?  All I had was an empty house to hear me, so I figured writing this blog would be a good outlet; and it was.  As the one year anniversary approaches, I can feel my emotions seeking that same stone wall I built last year.  I don’t want to be around anyone.  I just want to go home and not think about it.

I don’t want anybody to see me hurting.

But it’s also what I want most.

It’s a strange, crazy dichotomy.  I feel like it’s selfish to reach out when all that I want is a shoulder to cry on or someone to hear my sorrows.  Even now, as I’m not doing as fine as I have been, when people ask I don’t tell them.  Because then they’ll ask more, and then I’ll have to TELL more, and the problem just gets worse.  So I put on a happy face.  The reclusive beast stays in the shadows.  After all, it’s been a year.  I’m sure all of my friends have read my blogs or heard me talk about these emotions; why would they want to sit through them again?  That’s when I turn into a pest, ‘that guy’ that brings everyone down.  At least, that’s what the beast tells me.

I’m very much a talker.  I prefer conversation in a coffee house than a night out at a bar, dancing or what-have-you.  I like to communicate and share with others.  It’s damned unfair that I had become recently single when everything fell apart; I wanted someone I did feel like I could share with, unselfishly, and just look to for support.  For some reason, I didn’t look to my friends for that.  I just did without.  People still asked, and I still told them I was okay.  I even made a list of names of the friends that expressly asked me to reach out to them if/when I wanted to talk.  I never utilized that list.  My desire for connection was trumped by my desire to burrow and share through electronic means.

I don’t feel like I am ‘crying out for help’ or that I desperately need someone to talk to.  I recognize I’m conflicted.  In ten days, I have a monumental anniversary to get through and I don’t know if I want to be surrounded by friends or isolated.  I have strong feelings both ways.  I just don’t know.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s