Time is funny.
As I’ve mentioned before, there are moments when it feels like Dad’s been gone a really long time and there are moments where I feel like I just got the phone call. It’s changed a bit. Instead of fluctuating to where I feel like I just got the news, it’s more of a feeling of deep realization that, yeah, he’s gone. I am still working through the legal stuff and that is slowly turning into frustration. It’s not that I don’t want to get things accomplished…it’s just that I feel like my world stops entirely when I’m dealing with a piece of it. I still need to get up to Pawhuska and start bringing the rest of his things to Tulsa, too.
Indi and I have settled into a friendship. It’s not weird, though occasionally my heart sighs with what-could-have-beens. We had such adventures together and that, too, is hard to really digest that it’s over. I’ve put a lot of thought, consideration, and a bit of action behind entering the dating scene, but it’s been difficult. I am acutely aware that I am still broken and amidst multiple grievings. The last thing I want is to place someone in the middle of all this, or worse…use them as a crutch or stepping stone. I wish I could just move on already. Yeah, I know, it’s only been a few months. Still. My grief counselor said I was lonely. Glad that session was free.
I am greatly looking forward to my birthday party next month. I’ve been fortunate to have plans on my last few days off, but for some reason it still feels like I don’t get out and do anything. Not sure why that is. Maybe it’s like I wrote earlier, where I’m looking to these friends and events to fill this emptiness, when the only thing that’ll fill it is time.